The News

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• UK News
  • 300 Evacuated in Ritz Hotel Drama
  • Shadow Chancellor Osborne Denies Brown Autism Slur
  • Prime Minister Blair Proposes Self Regeneration
  • Teachers and Parents Back Swear Row Nurse
  • Ministers Express Concern for Prime Minister Blair
  • Convicted Clown Smuggler on Run From Police
  • New Police Agency Busts UK Wide Drugs Ring
  • Government Grants Emergency Powers to Bill Oddie
  • "ChavBusters" Planned at Co-op Stores Nationwide
  • Scottish Parliament Hit by Further Problems
  • Hydraulic Queen to Rule into Third Millennium
  • Bradford "Lifetime Atheist" Finds Jesus
  • High Street Declares War on Online Retailers
• World News
  • Suspicion Over Alleged Bin Laden Video
  • Ancient Tomb Art Depicts Chuckle Brothers
  • Prince Abdul Bunda Finally Escapes Nigeria
  • INTERPOL Swoops on Internet Thieves
  • US Announces Plans to Combat Global Warming
  • Former NY Mayor Giuliani Pledges to Protect Earth
  • New York Under Attack by Giant Bin Laden
  • Sunni Rebels Prepare Attack on White House Exhaust Port
• Business
  • Internet Giant Yahoo! Announces Shock Merger
  • Debt Consolidators Reduced to Single Manageable Lump Sum
• Science/Technology
  • Microsoft Confirms Upgrade for Founder Gates
  • Doctors Discover Miracle Obesity Cure
  • Mars Probe Discovers Missing Car Keys
  • Alzheimer's Cure "Misplaced" by Medical Research Team
  • University Scientists Discover Life on Other Planet
• Entertainment
  • Hollywood Stars Bid Fond Farewell to DeVito
  • Cruise Baby to be Born "A Little Differently"
  • Hollywood Star Stone Exiled to the Moon
  • Tragic Ending to Daniels Magic Tour
  • Countdown's Vorderman Mauled by Grizzly Bear
  • Angela Rippon in Shock Midget Confession
  • Music Legend Elvis Presley Confirmed Dead
  • TV's John Leslie in "Sickening" Immortality Quest
  • Lorne Spicer to Replace All BBC Stars Past, Present & Future
• Sport
  • Sir Jimmy Saville Secures Grand National Victory
  • Cricket: Play Stopped by Exploding Batsman