Tony Blair

Although physical regeneration - the morphing from one decaying body to a younger and stronger one - is thought to exist solely within the confines of TV science fiction, Blair (53) insists he has not only developed the capability to perform the feat, but that he will prove it on live television on Christmas Day.

Blair's announcement follows weeks of infighting and unrest among the Labour Party, during which many previously loyal back benchers urged him to step down as Prime Minister, making way for current Chancellor, Gordon Brown.

The proposed regeneration has once again split the party, and even the cabinet itself.  While some party members support the Prime Minister's decision, others - including Defence Secretary Des Browne - consider the move to be a "complete betrayal of faith".

"For Tony to one week say he is stepping down, and the next to say he's metamorphasising into an entirely new person in order to continue as Prime Minister beggars belief," said Browne.  "Not only is he breaking a promise made to both the party and the country as a whole, he's also defying the very laws which hold the strands of reality together."

Added Browne:  "It's not on." 

THATCHER 

Home Secretary, John Reid, disagrees:

"Let us not forget that Tony is a very capable man," he said.  "Not only was he Britain's youngest ever Prime Minister, but he has also remained in office for almost ten years, and is set to rival the long service record set by Baroness Thatcher.

"If anyone can rearrange every existing molecule in his body in order to adopt an entirely new physical appearance, it's Tony." 

Formerly classified documents released recently showed that Thatcher herself was working on similar plans to continue in office prior to her surprise "sacking" in 1990.  Unlike Blair's proposal, Baroness Thatcher intended to "devour the soul of a living host", allowing her to remotely control the resulting empty human shell using only the power of her mind.

Unfortunately for Thatcher her party refused to back her in a second round of leadership elections and she was forced to step down before she could perfect the technique. 

It is expected that Mr Blair shall make an address to the nation this afternoon, during which he shall reveal full details of his proposed regeneration scheme, and invite schoolchildren to submit designs for what they think his new face may look like.

Chancellor Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment last night.