 A bit of the Ritz
The outbreak is thought to have started in the hotel kitchen, when a batch of thinly sliced potatoes intended to be used in a gratin dauphinoise recipe came into contact with hot oil, which turned them almost instantly into chips. The working class quickly took hold and spread through the rest of the kitchen, lowering the tone of everything in its path.
"It was horrible," said chef, Tom Scade. "There I was, preparing a light Gazpatcho soup to be served for lunch. I reached for the Red Wine Vinegar and when I turned back the Gazpatcho had turned into Cream of Mushroom."And not even Baxters' Cream of Mushroom," wailed Scade. "Asda's own brand!"
Added the chef: "I feel so dirty inside."
ALARM
Mr Scade quickly raised the alarm while the remainder of the kitchen staff attempted to beat back the working class with copies of Nigella Lawson's cookbook and some chargrilled fennel. Despite their efforts, the outbreak soon spread to the dining area, where many guests were horrified to watch the vinaigrette dressing on their steamed lettuce and watercress parcels turning to salad cream before their eyes.
"It was appalling," one guest told us, vividly recalling the moment his Earl Grey tea morphed into Tetleys. "One minute I'm sipping the finest Earl Grey from a bone china cup, the next I'm holding a cracked mug with a picture of what I've since found out to be someone called George Micheal on the front. And as for the ghastly, milky sludge swilling around inside it, don't even get me started! I haven't tasted anything so bad since Mummy brought that horrendous wine back from South Africa last year!"
"I can only assume this so called tea was made by black people too," added the guest, disgusted. "Stick to the manual labour, chaps, leave the tricky stuff to us!"
Guests and staff alike scrambled for the exits in panic, as the Ritz's renowned art collection was all but wiped out by the working class. It is thought that many great works have now been replaced by images of dogs playing pool, babies in giant plantpots, and that one of the woman with the green face from the Guiness advert.
Emergency services were quick to attend the scene, but the working class wasn't brought under control until shortly after 5PM, when TV presenter and interior designer Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen entered the hotel and single-handedly beat it to death with a Clarence Cliff vase.
Although no-one was injured in the outbreak, it is thought that one woman has been struck down with what doctors at the King Edward VII hospital are describing as "a Manchester accent". The woman's family - who have asked that she not be named - are confident she will make a full recovery in time for their next pro-hunt meeting in February.
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